Gurada

You don’t have to go through rituals with the hope that something’s going to change. The Everyday Sanyasin is not involved with ‘pie in the sky when you die.’ The Everyday Sanyasin is taking what’s going on, using my Divine Heritage that’s within me, to discover how I can find my comfort, my ability to be with what’s going on, and to be creative with what’s going on in the moment.

If you start breathing more quickly, that’s an indication that you are not doing it gently. Slow down in the change that you’re introducing. Take a nice breath. Take a couple nice breaths and be at ease with it. Or if you think you need to, introduce a little bit of the quality of what gives you comfort into the visualization. The whole idea is introducing aspects that are going to expand your perception in a way that allows you to be open.

What’s interesting to meis that here in the West, and especially in America, we’re used to making big changes very fast. We think that’s what we’re doing. And yet to find in an internal visualization practice, in a Deity practice, my own resistance simply to changing colors. This is all just imagined stuff. It’s not like I’m changing jobs or getting divorced or getting married. It’s something internal. It shows me how the internal work is the most intense and the most profound.

It truly is because it changes how we deal with perception. It changes the filters, the organizing faculty. We called it the Bodhi in The Everyday Sanyasin. It’s from Raja Yoga and the Yogic Aphorisms of Patanjali. Actually, we’re changing the way in which we organize our perception. And it’s wonderful because basically, instead of you saying, “No, I can’t be warmer because it’s cold outside.” And, “I’ve been cold all my life because of this, this, and this.” Instead of getting into the story, or getting into majestic conceptualizations that hide the story, we’ve approached it from a very simple perspective. That simple perspective allows you to begin to embrace the colors and the qualities of the colors amidst this change in a manner that you can incorporate and integrate into your life.

It’s completely practical. It’s completely immediate.
Now I’ve got a different paradigm. I’ve got a different super-structure. My superstructure has inner warmth.” Now two things: remember as you’re expanding this mist out from you that you share it with others. It’s really good, in fact, if you can actually see them breathe in this warmth and begin to radiate it themselves. Even though you’re doing it in a visualization, this is the manifestation of your intentto share the radiant warmth that you’re discovering. It connects you with all of humanity while you’re doing that, yes. It also enhances the strength of the power that you’re cultivating within yourself. If I cultivate a power for myself, the strength of that power is limited to me.

A lot of people frequently get anxious about their monthly budget, not handling your budget can can place you in to further in debt if you are not aware. The benefits that come from handling your budget the right way not only saves you money but help relief some of your tension over debt. Always keep in mind that a budget is principally a program for your monthly expenditure. Your budget, like any programme, demands some level of management to make it work for you. The way I manage my budget, for example, is by concentrating on maintaining information organized and controlling my spending.

My main focus is on organizing the info in my budget. For instance, I keep an eye on recurring expenses like utilities, automobile and loan repayments, insurance, and the like. I can easily lose track of my spending without organising my budget. By being informed of what expenses repeat every month, I have an immediate hold on the minimum amount of money I have to set aside each month before I spend on other things I can moderate a little more such as entertainment, apparel, and holidays.

Monitoring the expenditure in my budget is important because this is where the most financial advancement is made. A good measure of progression is placing money into a savings instrument or paying down debt. However, if I over spend, the contrary is true because rather than saving money I will use debt to help me cover the monthly expenditure in my budget. Distinctly, giving in to the stresses of budgeting can have expensive outcomes for my finances, particularly if I am unable to pay down my debt.

There are two gains for controlling and organizing my budget: First, I save money by fending off unneeded expenses. Second, my finances are headed at accomplishing financial goals. Basically, by not buying things I do not need, I am actually freeing up money that I can either use for something else or save. The spare money can also be useful in paying off debt or saving it for a holiday. In addition to having extra money, I am able to yield longer term financial goals like saving and investing for retirement or paying off my mortgage or student loans. With my budget being organized and controlled, not only does my financial situation become more balanced but successfully overseeing my budget reduces the stress that often comes with being in debt.

Seldom do we find teenagers and young adults in their early twenties with areas of hair disappeared from their heads. The greater part of hair loss in men happens in their thirties & forties however it isn’t uncommon from men in their late 20’s to start losing hair as well. The idea of aging is dreaded throughout today’s community. Where aging was in the past a symbol of awareness and insight, it is presently in many instances looked upon as if the older you are, the more boring you become. All this is without doubt not TRUE in most cases. Nevertheless, since this is how the media & current society portrays middle aged men & women, and losing hair is a symbol of getting older, it is no doubt that hair loss can affect someone’s self-esteem.

Television shows often portray middle aged men with hair loss as the people most unlikely to succeed with scoring dates, or being happy in general. The character George Costanza in NBC’s hit TV series, Seinfeld, is the classic example of this. Costanza was in his late 30’s and suffered classic male pattern hair loss. He quite often referred to his hair loss as one of his largest reasons for never before succeeding at anything in life. Men and women alike both have a tendency to feel self conscious, particularly when it comes to the opposite sex. In our culture, a dense, luscious, head of hair is acknowledged to be attractive, & make someone show up more youthful & healthy.

Current technology is most helpful in restoring hair loss. Advanced hair restoration treatments are available to restore your hair and make it look entirely natural as if you had never lost hair to begin with. It isn’t necessary in this day and age to have to settle with hair loss. A person’s quality of life does not have to be altered with low confidence when there are so abounding advanced hair restoration treatments to choose from. Whether a medicinal drug, modern therapeutics, follicle transplants, or laser therapy, there are tonnes of options that may fit any budgets.

Hair loss treatments are nowadays incredibly popular and tried by both men & women. People have lost their hair due to cancer and have found it is never to grow back can sometimes benefit from advanced hair therapy. Even if people are not entirely losing hair, but have a receding hair line or their hair is thinning, they may benefit from an array of hair loss remedy. The days of counting on fake looking wigs & spray on hair are finished. With so abounding choices of types of hair loss remedy, people no longer have to live life feeling any less confident than they did in their early twenties.

For years, well-crafted wigs weren’t always my passion. Teaching was the only thing I cared about. This applied until the time I started to lose my hair due to medical hair loss. It became clear that I can’t sign off on the outcome of being the chrome-dome powerless Samson (from the Bible) by sheer dumb luck.

I believed that I lost my identity, bereaved of beautiful hair. It became clear that it was out of my hands to reclaim great hair. Boy, I was ignorant. Previous to receiving my real human hair wig, I attempted a number of hot unnatural hair extensions that didn’t match my scalp. My husband Reginald introduced me to respectable, medical wig websites that carried invisible lace front wigs I would love.

So I walked to the store and surveyed the options. I discovered an array of beautiful, practical lace front wigs. Their breathable wigs for cancer patients fit me perfectly.

With the perfect wig, a girl in my place would foster confidence when growing comfortable with her loss of natural hair. Now I see this as an opportunity to display my new voluminous hair. It meant a lot to me to sassily go about as I used to on the streets of Manhattan.

Perhaps I could be exaggerating things, however looks are important to my identity. Is there more to existence than an amazing flow of hair? Boy, I don’t care if that were so. Here’s the good news: women’s hair loss can be beat!

You couldn’t imagine what these blessings have been like. No one has noticed the truth of me and my thinning hair. However there you have it, I’m wonderfully happy to to strut my stuff. Lace front wigs enriched life for me.

Judgmental people may find my approach is needy. Oh well. Doesn’t everyone have something small that makes existence so practical? For me, it’s my career and my wig.

Care for Fabulous Hair,

Carrie Sullivan

It’s no secret that life is a tricky animal to understand and it’s even harder to tame it so that it delivers what you want. But from my work in the world of personal development I’ve figured out three simple things that can transform any situation, any problem, any issue…and any life. Three things that once in place can bring the best out of you, bring the best to you and allows you to enjoy all of it. What are these three things? I call them the Three F’s – Fun, Fulfillment and Freedom.

Here are a few definitions from the dictionary.

Fun, n. – A source of enjoyment or pleasure; playful activity.

Ful-fil’ment, n. – To bring into actuality; to complete; a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires.

Free-dom, n. – The capacity to exercise choice, free will; frankness or boldness; the absence of constraint in choice or action.

Read those again and really let them sink in.

Fun is about being playful, recognising the moment you’re in and enjoying what’s happening right now. Fulfillment is about following your desires, making things happen and the feeling of completeness we get from that. Freedom is about embracing choice, being yourself and removing the barriers and constraints in what we do.

Those things are huge, deep and broad and we have a tendency overcomplicate them. In fact those things are simple, and only become complex when we make them complex. Here’s what I want you to do,

1. Take a moment to consider where you are in your life right now, and rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being your ultimate capability) for each of the Three F’s. Be honest. Wherever you put yourself is okay – there are no wrong answers.

2. On the same scale from 1 to 10, ask yourself where you would love to be on each of the Three F’s. Are you happy with where you are? Would you like more of the Three F’s? If so, how high would you like to go?

3. The gap between where you are and where you want to be is your opportunity, and that’s your individual challenge. People do amazing things every single day and all kinds of things are possible in life, so recognise that the gap can be closed, and that you can close it. The question is – do you want to?

4. If you answered ‘Yes’ and you do want to rise to your challenge and close that gap, then go ahead and skip straight to the next step. If you’re hesitating that’s okay too – changing things and challenging yourself can be scary stuff. Get clear on the pay-offs and what’s in it for you by asking yourself – What would things be like if you were to close the gap? What would you be able to do when you get to where you want to be? How would you feel?

Find something that gives you butterflies, find something compelling, shiny or attractive and then acknowledge that it’s possible for you to get there, that you’re capable of getting there and you deserve to get there.

5. For each of the Three F’s, what one thing can you do this month that would take you forwards? What single action can you take to rise to your challenge? Write down one specific action for each of the Three F’s and put a deadline on each.

6. Look a little further ahead and come up with three things you can do before the year is out that would take you forwards on each of the Three F’s. By the end of the year how close to meeting your challenge do you want to be? How much of that gap do you want to close this year? What can you do to rise to your challenge? Write down three specific actions for each one.

Maybe spending more time with friends or family or improving your work/life balance would bring you more fun – if so, how are you going to start?

Maybe setting and reaching a goal or completing a project you’re already involved in would bring you more fulfilment – great, what do you want to commit to so that you hit those targets?

Maybe letting go of something that hurts, confronting a limiting belief or simply choosing to move forwards in your life with the Three F’s in mind would bring you more freedom – what will allow you to feel more free?

Whatever your challenge and whatever your actions – don’t cheat yourself by not following through. Set yourself specific targets and actions, be sure to commit to what you want and follow through with those decisions and actions.

Singly, each of the Three F’s is a powerful thing and can really help you to move forwards, enjoy where you are in life and feel alive. But when the Three F’s come together….well, just hold on to your hats and keys, because you’re about to have, do and be more….

About the Author
Steve Errey specialises in personal growth for thirtysomethings, works with people on their careers, relationships and confidence and helps them get more fun, fulfilment and freedom. For more information please contact Steve on 0845 644 3001, by email at steve@steveerrey.com or visit his website at http://www.steveerrey.com.

Here is some info dealing with some of the general eye troubles for which you may need prescription specs

Myopia – Also known as short sightedness, near sightedness

Nearsighted people focus fine up close, but not at a distance. Distant objects seem blurred, while near objects are in focus.

DESCRIPTION

The eyeball is longer than usual, making the eye "too powerful." The image is focused at a point in front of the retina. The greater the degree of myopia, the shorter the point at which the Shortsighted can view clearly.

SOLUTION

Myopia can be corrected using a concave lens system that is thin in the center and thick at the boundary. This type of lens system pushes the focus back onto the retina and restores good vision at any distance.

HYPEROPIA – Long sightedness, far sightedness

Farsighted people view far better at a distance than close up. Although distant objects seem properly focused, the accommodation required to focus on near objects causes eyestrain.

DESCRIPTION

The eye ball is shorter than normal which means the eye is not powerful enough. The eye is said to be "too short" and the image is focused behind the retina.

SOLUTION

Hyperopia is corrected with the use of a convex lens system which is thinner at the edge and thick in the centre. This type of lens brings the focus forward to the retina.

ASTIGMATISM

People with astigmatism have poor close and distant vision. They do not appreciate the contrasts between horizontal, vertical and diagonal lines in the same fashion likened to those with regular eyes.

Astigmatism is always accompanied by an additional visual impairment, such as Myopia, hyperopia and Presbyopia.

DESCRIPTION

Astigmatism is commonly a result of an irregularly-shaped cornea which is slightly oval, instead of round, and oblong instead of spherical.

SOLUTION

Astigmatism can be corrected with a cylindrical lens system whose curvature offsets the corneal irregularity.

Do you remember the story of “The Wizard of Oz”? In this story we saw the characters of Dorothy, who had wanted to run away from home because she thought there was a better place somewhere. We also met the scarecrow who believed he had no brain, the lion who thought he had no courage, and the kindly tin man who assumed he had no heart.

Together the four of them set off to the Emerald City to find the wizard in hopes that he could bestow upon them these virtues and find a way for Dorothy to go back home.

Even though Dorothy had thought she had wanted to be somewhere else, once she arrived in Munchkin Land she realized that hers dreams of being in a different place were not what she thought they would be. Disappointed in the reality she desperately wanted to return to Kansas and be with her loving family.

How many of us can relate to their dilemma? For some reason we think there is greener pasture on the other side or that we do not possess the characteristics necessary to fulfill our dreams.

From a very young age, many of us are told that we can not do this or that because we do not have the talent or that we are not wise enough, or strong enough, or smart enough. What happens is that we end up living our lives in character with what others have told us about ourselves and in our personal belief system about ourselves.

This jaded view of ourselves keeps us from doing the things we dream of doing. Many of us yearn for a magic wizard that would come along and bestow the qualities we feel are missing so we can do more with our lives.

For this reason we are afraid to step forward and go for our dreams. We feel inadequate to fulfill the calling ahead of us. From past experience we can see none of the characteristics necessary for us to reach our goal, our destination.

What many of us were never told, is that we are all given those things necessary in life for us to move ahead, but because of our past experiences and lack of self confidence we tend to shrink back from going forward in our lives.

Many people do not realize that self confidence comes from succeeding in an area that we wish to excel in. Success itself is not a one time event. In fact, it takes many failures and learning from our mistakes that make us eventually self reliant and confident.

Remember when you first started riding a two wheel bike. It’s something that you really wanted to do. You saw your friends riding and were certain that it was something you could do. What happened? You tried and you most miserably failed. You would go a few short feet and then wobble and then bingo! You would fall again. Did you give up?
No! You got right back on that bike and kept practicing until you succeeded.
The great baseball hero Babe Ruth was known for his fantastic batting. He could hit a ball right out of the park! Did he just get up one day and say, “Hey, I’m gonna hit every ball out of the park”? No, of course not. Sure, it was probably his dream to hit as many as he could out of the park but he knew in reality he needed to practice and practice, and hit and miss and eventually he would hit more than he would miss. Every ball player has a batting average. This means that they hit a number of balls but it also means that miss a lot of the balls or end up walking to base or striking out.

We may have specific goals. We want to hit that ball, but we must be prepared to fail in order to succeed. As we fail, we learn better how to hold the bat the next time or at what angle we need to swing the bat to hit the ball head on. Even if we become super proficient at this, there will still be times when we just miss the ball. That is part of life, but unless we get up to bat we will not be in the game.

What about your dreams, are you giving them a fair shot. Sure you may not be perfect! Who is? The thing is, that you have to go after your dreams and not let failure or lack of self confidence hold you back.

Just like the scarecrow, the lion and the tin man, we must go through the adversity and step forward in faith. Along the journey we will find that indeed we do have the qualities that we were longing for.

This article is bought to you by Sharron Myers

Sharron Myers has been a teacher of Spiritual Truth for over 30 years. She also is a Certified Aromatherapist and Personal Development Consultant. Be sure to check out her site: www.sharron-myers.com

To Live the Life You Want, Learn the Skills You Need
www.sharron-myers.com

Most people have no idea where their money goes. They earn it and they spend it.

That’s fine if you want to live from week to week and are not concerned about your financial future. However if you want to increase your wealth and have more options, action needs to be taken by you otherwise you could end up like most people further down the track, totally dependant on a pension.

Karen’s Story

Karen is the Marketing Manager for a well-known organisation. She’s 39 yrs old, single and earns over $80k a year. She is paying off a mortgage and that’s all the debt she has.

Karen buys whatever she likes and says she has more than enough money for her lifestyle…or so she thought. And that’s a very important point – Karen ‘thought’ she had plenty of money to splash around yet she had no real idea of where it went.

She was at the stage where she wanted to achieve more in her life including taking charge of her financial future.

One of the exercises I gave her to do was to sort all her financial statements – visa card, bank accounts and any cash receipts and list her income and expenditure under specific headings ie: loans, clothing, utilities, food etc. Karen recorded everything that occurred for the past 6 months . She nearly fainted when she saw how much money she had wasted and how much she was overspending! She was going backwards fast and only realised it by doing this simple exercise.

In the past Karen hadn’t put a high priority on her financial well-being as it was just too hard. Being a marketing manager, her life was busy at work and she had a hectic social life. She didn’t want to bother doing something that wasn’t exciting like working on her financial future. After all, she had a well-paid job, didn’t she?

Karen has now come to her senses and knows her true financial situation. If she lost her job, financially she couldn’t afford to be off work for more than a month. She realises that she is responsible for her future.

The area of wealth creation hadn’t been of great interest to Karen in the past. Now that she was undertaking coaching, she was serious to making a change. Prior to writing down where her money was going, Karen was completely closed to any suggestion to read more about how she can accelerate her wealth (or lack of it), so I didn’t pursue this with her. Her attitude had now changed so she was ready and willing to move to the next step.

The next move…I referred Karen to an organisation who would look at her total financial picture and be able to recommend what she could do. The reason I chose these people is because they take a holistic approach to wealth creation. They look at every aspect and provide an on-going education as well as a hand-holding service.

We met after her first session and Karen said she nearly had a heart attack at the meeting. She realised how much money she had been giving away to the tax office. Being on such a high income she was being taxed 47c for every dollar earned. She now realised that by making some small changes she could keep this money and have investments that over time would accelerate her financial situation dramatically.

She now had enough knowledge to make decisions and take actions that could make her financially independent over the next few years. Karen couldn’t believe how simple it was!

Your Financial Future – Whose Responsibility?

Unfortunately you cannot leave your financial well-being in the hands of anyone else except yourself.

Of course, you can seek advice from professionals in that field like accountants and financial planners; however, it really is up to you to lead the way …to be proactive!

Having attended many seminars, spoken to wealthy people and to the financial professionals (many of whom aren’t independently wealthy themselves), and read many books on the topic of wealth creation, I have found you cannot rely on any one person to delegate your financial affairs to. You need to be proactive and take control of your own life.

How to Take Control of Your Financial Future

Get your finances in order first: You need to know what you spend, what you earn, how much you owe and how much you own…Not in your head but in writing. What you think your situation is and what is reality, will more than likely be two totally different scenarios.

If you know where you are right now you can then seek out appropriate solutions to your specific financial needs.

How to Get Started

Speak with your accountant on the best way to set up your recording system.

Ask them how you can increase your wealth.

Ask your accountant and/or your financial advisor how they have created their wealth. What do they invest in?

Talk to people who are wealthy. Ask them how they accumulated their wealth.

Question everything.

Read books and attend seminars on wealth creation…the more informed you are the easier it is to make sound decisions. We regularly advertise these types of events in our Event Update: http://www.office-organiser.com.au/weeklyupdate.html

Don’t believe everything you hear, see and read, particularly if the person advising you reaps financial benefit from you accepting their advice.

Only listen to people who “have rungs on the ladder”. Once you’ve have done some research (and this can happen in a matter of days or weeks, depending on your efforts) then:

Take action

Sure you’ll make mistakes along the way, however that’s the only way you can progress. Learn from them and move on.

The Final Word

Looking after your financial well-being should be high on your priorities. It’s about having choices in your life. Do you really want to work from dawn to dusk to support the lifestyle you and your family have become accustomed to? Perhaps you don’t get to enjoy the lifestyle because you’re too busy busting your guts at work.

Imagine what it would be like to work because you want to, not because you have to?

If financial freedom is something you desire in the not too distant future (and it doesn’t happen overnight), you have to take action sometime… like right now!

About The Author

Lorraine Pirihi, principal of The Office Organiser (http://www.office-organiser.com.au) is Australia’s Personal Productivity Coach

Lorraine specialises in working with businesspeople showing them how to dramatically boost their productivity, reduce the stress and the mess in their lives and have more time for enjoying their life.

We Offer a Broad Range of Services and Products including: Coaching for small business owners and professionals, keynote presentations and workshops, books, CD’s, DVD’s and on-line learning programs.

Take action today! Contact Lorraine to discuss your specific needs at lorraine@office-organiser.com.au

Ok, so you got a lousy diagnosis (I did)*. Darn it! Damn
it! This was not part of the plan. OK, deal with it. Do
what you have to do. Ask questions. Have tests. Have
consultations. Have second opinions. Have surgery.
Recover. Get on with it.

Whether relaxing at the world class spa resort having had a
massage, facial, delicious meal served pool side or sitting
in the radiologist’s office awaiting results of the third
round of x rays, it is possible to direct your thinking to
greet each challenge as an opening. Yes, you can. It’s a
version of saying yes to it all and being willing to
understand that within every situation, even the
challenging ones, exists an opportunity. I love knowing
that. I didn’t know it all my life and it is truly life
changing to be able to be in touch with the power to use
gratitude as a motivator for change. Yes, it is power.

Are you feeling like a victim? Are you enriched by your
opportunities? Are you willing to take time such as a visit
to a spa to ponder and relax and be open for possibilities?

The spa experience is ideal for generating new and delicious
possibilities. Whether you travel to one of the popular,
well known spa locations, or create a spa like setting in
your own garden, you can benefit from setting that time and
space aside to review how it is with your world and what
you’d like to change. Consider the possibilities even if
your budget is limited:
>Getaway Package (you turn off the ringer on your phone)
>Aromatherapy Massage (sit in the sun with your favorite
lotion)
>European Facial (maybe you could try that mask that’s been
in the drawer)
>Spa Manicure (take turns with a friend or splurge and make
an appointment)
>Spa Pedicure (a really special treat, include a soak while
you read something uplifting or inspiring)
>Spa Gift (make an i.o.u. and begin to save spare change to
treat yourself later)

And, if cash is flowing, consider this option:
Eco-spas are set in a natural or protected area and have a
major commitment to incorporating environmentally friendly
practices such as organic gardening, water conservation, and
ecological building design. They encourage sensitivity to the natural environment and wildlife through education of spa-goers, and may also promote the well being of local people and culture by preserving indigenous healing traditions and ingredients. Thus you’d combine travel and
education along with your spa experience.

In addition to a variety of spa options, there are many,
many ways to view any situation or fact or incident. I say,
choose gratitude. Yes, regardless of the challenge, it is
possible to build new muscles while handling it and become
stronger in the process. I wish it for you! Please see the
resource box below if you*d like to have a coaching
conversation about the possibilities. Love, Leslie

*(the result of that diagnosis is a book entitled, The
Not-so-Scary Breast Cancer Book, a companion to the earlier
self helpful Have You Ever Been A Child? and Private Keep
Out!, all at amazon.com)

###
Lifestyle Catalysts Kristine Carey & Leslie Gebhart are
certified life coaches who ask: Are you tired of people
telling you that’s just how it is? Be a part of their
complimentary conversation the first Monday of each Month
and discover how it can be:
http://www.lifestylecatalyst.com/register.shtml. Action
creates change; what choice will you make today?

A few months back I had a disturbing dream. In my dream a woman with stringy blonde hair rang my bell. She asked if she could come in. I didn’t want to open the door. But I felt guilty about my reaction. So I let her in. She pulled out a hand gun and shot me. I woke with a start and a racing heart. I clutched my pillow and my life. My inner voice spoke immediately and sharply. “Politeness kills,” it said.

This was an extreme way to let me know I had to honor my boundaries. I’ve never liked the word “boundaries.” It sounds like barbed wire or armored trucks. But I do like the feeling of listening to my intuition, respecting my inner instructions. And it feels appropriate and sacred to be mindful of my gold.

I see many creative, incredible individuals who leak their strength and focus with amorphous personal boundaries. We want to be nice, helpful, and well-liked. But bear in mind that your time and attention are your personal reserves of oxygen and hydration. Time and attention create your life’s dreams. Dreams keep your soul alive and contribute to all of humanity. I’d like you to create your life’s dreams. That’s why I’d like you to reflect on where you put your time and attention.

You have a Responsibility to Yourself.

You have a mission here. You have sacred work to do. No one but you knows what you came for. The people in our lives may not appreciate the work we feel compelled to do, the dreams we wish to give birth to. They may fling casual, loose, social standards your way, just like tossing horseshoes at a backyard barbecue.

I used to have a hard time saying no to lunch dates and coffee. People would often say to me, “You have to eat, right?” and I’d feel found out and exposed, like I was hiding time from this person. And then I’d eat with them–and eat my heart out at the same time. Of course they were wonderful people. Of course I got value out of the time together. But that doesn’t mean anything. I’d get value out of reading about the history of socks, too. But I had something specific I yearned to do. I wanted to write a book. I ached when I did not write. Every time I said yes to a lunch date, I said no to my dream. That became too wounding. I learned to say “No.”

It’s not selfish to want to give time to your dream. Your dream will give love and energy into this world. I often think about the people I esteem in life. Mother Teresa had a guiding mission. Martin Luther King had a burning cause. They did not squander their energy or time by being polite. They gave in huge ways because they said no to little things.

It’s not Selfish to be Honest

“I don’t want to be selfish,” said a client of mine recently who admitted not wanting to get together with a friend. “She needs me.” Now there are times when someone needs us and we feel called to be there. That’s wonderful. When we’re called, it feels good to be there. It doesn’t feel like an obligation. It feels like a secret mission or a privilege. But more often than not, someone “needs” us and we’re afraid to decline.

Here’s the thing though. You can’t change your feelings. When you truly don’t want to do something, it’s not doing anyone any favors to lie. Your energy doesn’t lie. If you do something you don’t want to do, you may just end up being late, angry, sarcastic, withdrawn, and, in general, as mild-mannered as a jackal or a jalapeno pepper. That ride to the airport will be no joyride. And nobody will get what they wanted.

What if you could trust your feelings? What if you knew that if you honored your own needs, you would naturally increase your generosity?

What if it’s okay to just love what you love and dislike what you dislike and gravitate where you are drawn? Why do we secretly think we are being ruthless? What if we are being elegant? What if we are daring to live gracefully by daring to listen to our inner voice? What makes you think that your persistent feelings are wrong? I trust that your soul is pure and precious and knows your highest purpose. And I hope you listen to its promptings more than some sick, guilt-inducing nagging, sagging voice that makes you feel burdened inside. One voice will make you feel heavy and one will make you feel light. One is thudding in the wrong direction. And one is turning right.

Your Real Relationships will Support the Real You

Often times we’re afraid to honor our boundaries, because we don’t want to upset the people around us. Indeed some people will balk at your limits and may even suggest that your decreased availability is the first sign of Satan worship or advanced Narcissism. But real relationships support the real you. I have no doubt that my friends would prefer to hear from me more often than they do. But they prefer my authenticity and happiness even more. That’s why they’re true friends. Some individuals who seem to demand the most of us are energy vampires. They feed on your warmth and pay no heed to your needs. They will demand that you be giving. And you will never give enough.

Recently while driving to Northern California where I had a speaking engagement, I decided to stop for a quick break. I chose to wander into a small boutique with painted scarves in its windows. When I got into the shop, the owner started telling me about the sales she had going. I nodded politely. She continued to tell me about the rugs she had imported from Turkey and I found myself hanging on every word though I didn’t want any rugs or details of her trip. Her enthusiasm kept me paralyzed. I only had a few minutes to stop here and look around. Finally, I excused myself and walked away. The owner followed me and kept talking. She refused to give me space. That’s when I walked out of the shop. I decided I did not need to indulge someone who was not respecting me. I breathed in the salt air of that gorgeous ocean town and skipped back to my car. I felt like a fly who had escaped a spider’s web.

***

Always be kind. But think twice before you’re “nice.” Nice, is often a mask of pleasantness we put over negative feelings. Nice is often a form of self-rejection. Real kindness feels good. It’s when we give because we want to give and we give in ways that respect everyone, including us.

If you want to give to others, give truly. Give the exceptional gift of taking care of yourself and tending to your dreams. Give the love that can only come from you expressing your unrivaled talents and devotions on this earth. Follow your calling and draw lines when you must. Doing what matters should never be sacrificed for a false idea of manners.

Tama J. Kieves, an honors graduate of Harvard Law School, left her law practice with a large corporate law firm to write and to embolden others to live and breathe their most meaningful self-expression. A leading alternative career coach and best-selling author of THIS TIME I DANCE! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love/ How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All! (©2003 Tarcher/Penguin), Tama devotes her dynamic energy to life/work coaching and to facilitating workshops and retreats throughout the country. For more than a decade, she has helped thousands of individuals unleash their creativity and their callings. Founder of Awakening Artistry, an organization dedicated to creating a global family of creative and visionary minds, her inspiring work has frequently been featured on T.V., radio, and in national publications. Learn more about Tama’s workshops and coaching or sign up to receive her free inspirational e-zine at http://www.AwakeningArtistry.com